Crazy Beautiful

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-11-08T00:47:00

2005-11-08T06:48:51Z

So I'm getting a glimpse of what life could be, for the first time I think I know what's going to happen, and I absolutely love it. It's so predictable and unpredictable at the same time, I just love it.

put your hand between
an aching head and an aching world
we'll make them so jealous
we'll make them hate us

in between my sheets
in between the rights and the wrongs

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-11-06T01:04:00

2005-11-06T07:06:50Z

Only God knows where I would be without you...

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-09-28T19:39:00

2005-09-29T00:42:10Z

Why do you ignore the fact that this is what makes me happy? You can't just keep pretending nothings happening because a lot is happening. I'm trying to tell you but you seem to think its not a big deal. It is a big deal, and sooner or later you are going to have to realize it. You can't stop it either, so don't try. "Oh, I'll come and pick you up." No you wont. I don't want you to. I want you to realize who I love is never leaving. Deal with it.

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-09-19T23:56:00

2005-09-20T05:06:24Z

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

------

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

------

She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.

------

I'm young, and I am free
But I get tired, and I get weak
I get lost, and I can't sleep
But suddenly, suddenly

------

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-09-18T18:46:00

2005-09-18T23:56:37Z

I really don't think that theres anything I hate more than judgemental people. There are just some people that no matter what, cannot opened their minds for one god damned second to see whats inside of a person, instead of basing their entire opinion of one person on their looks. I actually feel bad for them, they may never get to know someone that could potentially be their soulmate or best friend. Can people really be so dense? I guess so, and I'm not going to give them the time of day. What a horrible way to live your life. Go fuck yourselves, stupid stuck-up bitches. I hope you walk right on by someone who could turn out to change your life for the better. And that's just how it is.

I'm so glad I'm who I am.

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-09-09T13:11:00

2005-09-09T18:15:04Z

"As we grow up we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down, probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once--and it's harder every time. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll keep falling in love with the same jerk, you'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry b/c time is passing so fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you care about. So take too many pictures, laugh too hard, and love like you've never been hurt--because every minute you spend mad or upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-09-08T15:29:00

2005-09-08T20:41:03Z

I've been here for two and a half weeks now and I just cant seem to get used to it. I can't believe I'm saying this...but I kind of miss high school. For how much I hated it, there's a feeling of security and safeness. But here, if you fuck up, its all on you. you make your own decisions and create your own problems. You have to learn how to grow up real fast. I always talked about this is what I wanted, but now that I'm here, its like its not what I wanted. Maybe it just takes some more getting used to...i hope.

a lot of the things at home you dont apreciate until you dont see them or hear them everyday. i know that sounds like a cliche, but i didnt realize how much i love my parents and sister until i got here. i didnt realize how much harder it would be not seeing erick everyday. i didnt realize how lonely it could get. if you're upset, get over it. if youve got a problem, fix it. if you're homesick, too bad. if you want a kiss, deal with it. thats just how it is.

12 days...

2005-08-09T07:01:45Z

Only 12 more days until this part of my life is definitely over... I'm scared and excited.. I feel kinda bad for leaving my mom behind, I know how hard this whole thing is for her. And I'm not making it any better by just yelling at her and then leaving all the time. But its like i can't help it. Its like I'M dealing with it, why can't you? *SIGH* Its like a lose-lose situation with her all the time.

And my friends aren't any better... yeah when they get their way its fine, but if one little thing changes in THEIR plan, they get pissed. Its just always the same with them.

12 more days...

But there are definitely wonderful things I'm going to miss. Wonderful people. It's going to be hard, but what isn't.

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-07-31T13:18:00

2005-07-31T18:23:56Z

Wow things have been soooo crazy these past few weeks. Most days I had been babysitting all morning then working at night. It totally sucked. But today is my last day at Starbucks and I finished babysitting on Friday, so now its time to go crazy for the rest of the summer.

Sorry I really don't have much to say. Well actually I do have a lot to say, but I feel like I would be wasting energy by typing it on here...

I'm Home!!!!

2005-07-03T14:01:32Z

Well, I have finally arrived at home! We got back last night around 8:30, and I went to visit a few friends. It's so weird to be at home...everything over there in Europe is soooo different, especially in Serbia. The trip wouldnt have been so tiring if we didnt go and visit relatives like every single day. But one night while there, my sister and I went to a discotech(sp?) and we had "Absinth," and let me tell you, it was disgusting. It tasted like black licorice and sour green apple mixed together. I could only drink a little bit.

And now that Im back home, I have this long list of things I need to do, including developing film, buying a tanning package (did not get as tan as I hoped), doing ALL of my freakin laundry, go to orientation on Friday, start work again, and planning my birthday. The last one hopefully shouldnt be so bad.

I cant believe I'm finally going to be 18 in.... 8 days and counting! It feels like a long time coming. I really can't wait till I turn 19, that's when I'm able to get into the bars at U of I!

Summer is Slow Sometimes

2005-06-16T00:18:37Z

This is the 7th day in a row that I've worked!! I'm so exhausted.

And we leave on Sunday for Yugoslavia, and I wont be back for two whole weeks! I'm excited, and I hope I get really really really really tan.

This summer is going by really really slow and kinda boring. I just want to go to U of I right now, like tomorrow. maybe i will hehe.

Something always takes the place
Of missing pieces
You can take and put together even though
You know there's something missing

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-05-15T01:33:00

2005-05-15T06:34:08Z

hello im here and im waiting and i cant wait and i hope its soon and shes here and i lboe her and tis going to be geweat if he didnt see and thats all sorr

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-05-11T18:45:00

2005-05-11T23:50:17Z

The end of my high school "career" as they say is going by soo fast. it snuck up behind me and smacked me in the ass. senior week is next fuckin week, then just two more days and its all over. this is what ive been looking foward to alllll year. but im kind of disappointed.

but then again, sometimes i feel like i cant wait to not have to look at some ppl's ugly annoying faces EVER again... ahhhh that feels good.

high school makes me feel mixed emotions, but in the end, i think im glad its finally over.

p.s. -- the green day concert last night fuckin rocked!!!

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-04-28T15:22:00

2005-04-28T20:36:34Z

Sometimes I feel as if I'm walking around with a big secret, that only I know.

And sometimes I AM walking about with a big secret, that only I know....and I have to tell you, its wonderful. And I've stopped caring about what other people think. I am happy, right now, right this instant. And as long as my friends are really my friends, everything is fine. I CAN do this.

All you need sometimes is some time to think.

From the book I'm reading, Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut

"He'd pull me back into the center, and I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can't seen from the center...big, undreamed-of things--the people on the edge see them first."

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-04-23T15:13:00

2005-04-23T20:18:43Z

From what I've heard, sounds like last night was pretty eventful for everybody at Twirp. For me too, but not at twirp. I got home at like 1030, 11ish from my clinics, then I just started practicing when someone showed up at my house totally out of nowhere. Then someone else came, and it was party at Alanas at like midnight when i had to be up at 7 the next day for my tryouts. oh well, it was fun i suppose.

so yeah i had my tryouts today, i think they went pretty well. but you know how when you work so hard for like tryouts or a performance or something, then later on you think about all these things you could of done better. thats what im doing. and im scared to get on the website to see if i made first cuts...ahhh!

it just sucks now because i told like EVERYBODY that i was trying out, then 80 girls showed up today and there are only like 5 open spots. so now everybodys going to be asking me how i did and shit...ahhh i wish i never told anyone in the first place. i hope i make it!!

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-04-17T15:31:00

2005-04-17T20:44:24Z

So I went to U of I on Friday! Omgoodness! Sooooo fuckin fun! I absolutely cannot wait to go there next year. Not only to have fun, but to get away, from everything. From all of...this. This shit that keeps clouding up my mind. And when I try to deal with it, every move i make seems to be the wrong one. And the past seems to be affecting the present more than I'd like it to. I don't really know what state of mind I'm in at any time. I'm searching for answers from anywhere I can get them, but I need a source that will actually help me work out my problems, and I haven't found it. And I don't think I will. --Sigh-- stuck again.

If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't

I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks

And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-04-09T00:50:00

2005-04-09T05:52:39Z

well my dignity has been regained, and lets just say, things are looking up. really up.

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-04-02T00:23:00

2005-04-02T06:25:11Z

At least I have all weekend to regain my dignity.

I hate school

2005-03-30T22:21:55Z

Today was one of those days....ew.

I just can't stand it at school anymore. There's soooo many shady people, people that just make you feel like shit. There's so much bullshit and so much immatureness...yep, that's right, i just made up a word. I cant believe we still have two months left, and I know its going to to by sooooo slow.

And this Erick situation is just getting worse. I tell everybody I don't care, and I think i don't, but there's a part of me from the past that does care. And the more he tries to talk to me, the more that part comes out. Theres a couple different ways I could approach this situation. I'm still tryin to figure out how I want this whole thing to come out. Ugh, talk about frustrating. Maybe I'll just wait it out...

And...to top it all off...my prom dress makes me look fat!!! no matter how much i try to fix it...and i need a date... --sigh--

I just can't wait till this weekend, a break from that hellhole called school.

Weren't you the one who said that you don't want me anymore
And how you need your space
And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me
And still you said your love was gone and that I had to leave

I sacrificed the things I wanted just to do things for you
But when it's time to do for me
You never come thru
Now you wanna be up under me
Now you have so much to say to me
Now you wanna make time for me
Whatcha doin to me, you're confusin me
Don't play with me don't play with me

I'M OUT!

2005-03-26T06:19:15Z

IM OUT IM OUT IM OUT!

I mean..they let me go out tonight, they have no reason not to do it again, right?

AH this is so exciting!!

Bored bored bored

2005-03-22T18:02:54Z

Well i guess I shouldn't be bored, I have so much shit to do. I'm in the midst of cleaning my room, i mean really cleaning it. im gunna rearrange it and shtuff. I cant believe how much shit is in there. oh well.

I thought I was completely free from erick, then he pulls me back a little again. i hate it how everytime my cell rings im hoping its him. why does he play with my head like this?

--sigh--

This spring break kinda sucks, i have have to get up early every morning for orchesis.

wow i just realized that i've been on livejournal from almost exactly a year now. its been a crazy year. i think this past year i experienced the happiest i had ever been and the saddest i had ever been. ugh its all his fault. ok, im getting depressed now, i shall go.

bailey--sorry i didnt call u last night, i was real tired when i got home from work! call me when u see this.

Now and Then

2005-03-12T21:36:18Z

Um, Roberta, I was just wondering, canikissyou?

What are you mumbling?

Uh, i wanted to know...can i kiss you.

Sure.

Okay!

Right now?

Um, only if you want you.

Okay.

.....

Scott?

Yeah?!

If you tell anyone about this, especially your brothers, I'll beat the shit out of you.

Ahhh that is the best movie that ever lived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting over it

2005-03-04T02:41:21Z

I can't believe it turned out like this.

And all it took was one thing I saw that I shouldn't have to make me realize i really am better off without him.

I was holding on, now I'm letting go
This is nothing more than a picture show
Everything I knew now I hardly know
Busy keeping less never getting more

Can't put my mind at ease with the words I say
Trying to get myself to get out of my way

I hate myself for loving you

By the way, this is funny:

2005-02-23T03:09:40Z

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" Rock, leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in about 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

riskybusiness7 @ 2005-02-22T21:03:00

2005-02-23T03:08:45Z

Things are so weird right now. My grandma is gone, I'm never going to see her ever again, and I miss her dearly right now. I'm so scared to go to her funeral on Thursday.

Today was my sister's birthday, although it didn't feel like it to her. I picked up some stuff for her today and gave it to her, just some small stuff, because we decided to celebrate her b-day next week, because of this week's events. Poor Cass.

Erick and I are better than ever however. Our relationship seems to be the opposite of the rest of my life. Why is that?

Ugh. Sometimes I just want to crawl away and hide, from everyone. From everything. Life is rough man.