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November 8th, 2005

12:47 am So I'm getting a glimpse of what life could be, for the first time I think I know what's going to happen, and I absolutely love it. It's so predictable and unpredictable at the same time, I just love it. put your hand between an aching head and an aching world we'll make them so jealous we'll make them hate us in between my sheets in between the rights and the wrongs Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: fall out boy

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November 6th, 2005

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September 28th, 2005

07:39 pm Why do you ignore the fact that this is what makes me happy? You can't just keep pretending nothings happening because a lot is happening. I'm trying to tell you but you seem to think its not a big deal. It is a big deal, and sooner or later you are going to have to realize it. You can't stop it either, so don't try. "Oh, I'll come and pick you up." No you wont. I don't want you to. I want you to realize who I love is never leaving. Deal with it. Current Mood: busy Current Music: hope partlow

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September 19th, 2005

11:56 pm And I don't wanna fall to pieces I just want to sit and stare at you I don't want to talk about it And I don't want a conversation I just want to cry in front of you I don't want to talk about it Cuz I'm in Love With you ------ Wanna know how you feel Wanna know what is real I wanna know everything, everything ------ She's losing her mind. She's fallen behind. She can't find her place. She's losing her faith. ------ I'm young, and I am free But I get tired, and I get weak I get lost, and I can't sleep But suddenly, suddenly ------ I looked away Then I look back at you You try to say The things that you can't undo If I had my way I'd never get over you Today's the day I pray that we make it through Current Mood: blank Current Music: the ever so insightful avril

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September 18th, 2005

06:46 pm I really don't think that theres anything I hate more than judgemental people. There are just some people that no matter what, cannot opened their minds for one god damned second to see whats inside of a person, instead of basing their entire opinion of one person on their looks. I actually feel bad for them, they may never get to know someone that could potentially be their soulmate or best friend. Can people really be so dense? I guess so, and I'm not going to give them the time of day. What a horrible way to live your life. Go fuck yourselves, stupid stuck-up bitches. I hope you walk right on by someone who could turn out to change your life for the better. And that's just how it is. I'm so glad I'm who I am. Current Mood: amused Current Music: urge overkill

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September 9th, 2005

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September 8th, 2005

03:29 pm I've been here for two and a half weeks now and I just cant seem to get used to it. I can't believe I'm saying this...but I kind of miss high school. For how much I hated it, there's a feeling of security and safeness. But here, if you fuck up, its all on you. you make your own decisions and create your own problems. You have to learn how to grow up real fast. I always talked about this is what I wanted, but now that I'm here, its like its not what I wanted. Maybe it just takes some more getting used to...i hope. a lot of the things at home you dont apreciate until you dont see them or hear them everyday. i know that sounds like a cliche, but i didnt realize how much i love my parents and sister until i got here. i didnt realize how much harder it would be not seeing erick everyday. i didnt realize how lonely it could get. if you're upset, get over it. if youve got a problem, fix it. if you're homesick, too bad. if you want a kiss, deal with it. thats just how it is. Current Mood: drained Current Music: free falling

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August 9th, 2005

01:54 am - 12 days... Only 12 more days until this part of my life is definitely over... I'm scared and excited.. I feel kinda bad for leaving my mom behind, I know how hard this whole thing is for her. And I'm not making it any better by just yelling at her and then leaving all the time. But its like i can't help it. Its like I'M dealing with it, why can't you? *SIGH* Its like a lose-lose situation with her all the time. And my friends aren't any better... yeah when they get their way its fine, but if one little thing changes in THEIR plan, they get pissed. Its just always the same with them. 12 more days... But there are definitely wonderful things I'm going to miss. Wonderful people. It's going to be hard, but what isn't. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: something corporate

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July 31st, 2005

01:18 pm Wow things have been soooo crazy these past few weeks. Most days I had been babysitting all morning then working at night. It totally sucked. But today is my last day at Starbucks and I finished babysitting on Friday, so now its time to go crazy for the rest of the summer. Sorry I really don't have much to say. Well actually I do have a lot to say, but I feel like I would be wasting energy by typing it on here... Current Mood: excited Current Music: E! Ture Hollywood Story...

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July 3rd, 2005

08:43 am - I'm Home!!!! Well, I have finally arrived at home! We got back last night around 8:30, and I went to visit a few friends. It's so weird to be at home...everything over there in Europe is soooo different, especially in Serbia. The trip wouldnt have been so tiring if we didnt go and visit relatives like every single day. But one night while there, my sister and I went to a discotech(sp?) and we had "Absinth," and let me tell you, it was disgusting. It tasted like black licorice and sour green apple mixed together. I could only drink a little bit. And now that Im back home, I have this long list of things I need to do, including developing film, buying a tanning package (did not get as tan as I hoped), doing ALL of my freakin laundry, go to orientation on Friday, start work again, and planning my birthday. The last one hopefully shouldnt be so bad. I cant believe I'm finally going to be 18 in.... 8 days and counting! It feels like a long time coming. I really can't wait till I turn 19, that's when I'm able to get into the bars at U of I! Current Mood: rejuvenated Current Music: My Chemical Romance

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June 15th, 2005

07:18 pm - Summer is Slow Sometimes This is the 7th day in a row that I've worked!! I'm so exhausted. And we leave on Sunday for Yugoslavia, and I wont be back for two whole weeks! I'm excited, and I hope I get really really really really tan. This summer is going by really really slow and kinda boring. I just want to go to U of I right now, like tomorrow. maybe i will hehe. Something always takes the place Of missing pieces You can take and put together even though You know there's something missing And so it is The colder water The blower's daughter The pupil in denial Current Mood: tired Current Music: Beck and Damien Rice

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May 15th, 2005

01:33 am hello im here and im waiting and i cant wait and i hope its soon and shes here and i lboe her and tis going to be geweat if he didnt see and thats all sorr Current Mood: drunk Current Music: in tyhe backgrounf

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May 11th, 2005

06:45 pm The end of my high school "career" as they say is going by soo fast. it snuck up behind me and smacked me in the ass. senior week is next fuckin week, then just two more days and its all over. this is what ive been looking foward to alllll year. but im kind of disappointed. but then again, sometimes i feel like i cant wait to not have to look at some ppl's ugly annoying faces EVER again... ahhhh that feels good. high school makes me feel mixed emotions, but in the end, i think im glad its finally over. p.s. -- the green day concert last night fuckin rocked!!! Current Mood: sore Current Music: none - my moms studying

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April 28th, 2005

03:22 pm Sometimes I feel as if I'm walking around with a big secret, that only I know. And sometimes I AM walking about with a big secret, that only I know....and I have to tell you, its wonderful. And I've stopped caring about what other people think. I am happy, right now, right this instant. And as long as my friends are really my friends, everything is fine. I CAN do this. All you need sometimes is some time to think. From the book I'm reading, Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut "He'd pull me back into the center, and I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can't seen from the center...big, undreamed-of things--the people on the edge see them first." Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: MSI

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April 23rd, 2005

03:13 pm From what I've heard, sounds like last night was pretty eventful for everybody at Twirp. For me too, but not at twirp. I got home at like 1030, 11ish from my clinics, then I just started practicing when someone showed up at my house totally out of nowhere. Then someone else came, and it was party at Alanas at like midnight when i had to be up at 7 the next day for my tryouts. oh well, it was fun i suppose. so yeah i had my tryouts today, i think they went pretty well. but you know how when you work so hard for like tryouts or a performance or something, then later on you think about all these things you could of done better. thats what im doing. and im scared to get on the website to see if i made first cuts...ahhh! it just sucks now because i told like EVERYBODY that i was trying out, then 80 girls showed up today and there are only like 5 open spots. so now everybodys going to be asking me how i did and shit...ahhh i wish i never told anyone in the first place. i hope i make it!! Current Mood: nervous Current Music: Eternal S.O.T.S.M. Soundtrack

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April 17th, 2005

03:31 pm So I went to U of I on Friday! Omgoodness! Sooooo fuckin fun! I absolutely cannot wait to go there next year. Not only to have fun, but to get away, from everything. From all of...this. This shit that keeps clouding up my mind. And when I try to deal with it, every move i make seems to be the wrong one. And the past seems to be affecting the present more than I'd like it to. I don't really know what state of mind I'm in at any time. I'm searching for answers from anywhere I can get them, but I need a source that will actually help me work out my problems, and I haven't found it. And I don't think I will. --Sigh-- stuck again. If you can hold on, hold on I wanna stand up, I wanna let go You know, you know - no you don't, you don't I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand Another head aches, another heart breaks And my affection, well it comes and goes I need direction to perfection Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: Carly Simon and The Killers

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April 9th, 2005

12:50 am well my dignity has been regained, and lets just say, things are looking up. really up. Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: 50 cent

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April 2nd, 2005

12:23 am At least I have all weekend to regain my dignity. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Coldplay

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March 30th, 2005

04:11 pm - I hate school Today was one of those days....ew. I just can't stand it at school anymore. There's soooo many shady people, people that just make you feel like shit. There's so much bullshit and so much immatureness...yep, that's right, i just made up a word. I cant believe we still have two months left, and I know its going to to by sooooo slow. And this Erick situation is just getting worse. I tell everybody I don't care, and I think i don't, but there's a part of me from the past that does care. And the more he tries to talk to me, the more that part comes out. Theres a couple different ways I could approach this situation. I'm still tryin to figure out how I want this whole thing to come out. Ugh, talk about frustrating. Maybe I'll just wait it out... And...to top it all off...my prom dress makes me look fat!!! no matter how much i try to fix it...and i need a date... --sigh-- I just can't wait till this weekend, a break from that hellhole called school. Weren't you the one who said that you don't want me anymore And how you need your space And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me And still you said your love was gone and that I had to leave I sacrificed the things I wanted just to do things for you But when it's time to do for me You never come thru Now you wanna be up under me Now you have so much to say to me Now you wanna make time for me Whatcha doin to me, you're confusin me Don't play with me don't play with me Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: The Killers

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March 25th, 2005

10:15 pm - I'M OUT! IM OUT IM OUT IM OUT! I mean..they let me go out tonight, they have no reason not to do it again, right? AH this is so exciting!! Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: beatles

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